October has been a month of weddings, we have had the priviledge of being a part of three beautiful weddings and celebrated our own 25th Silver Wedding Anniversary. Love is in the air and so has been at the centre of my ‘pondering’. As I reflect on marriage … how do we know what real love is?
TV sells us a prefabricated love based on a false perception of perfection. When you are a young teenager it is mostly based on the superficial: looks, his/her smile and whether they can dance or not. We could quite easily call it lust, not love, which far too quickly and in most cases becomes a sexual experience (something beautiful and to be treasured has become a pastime) only now emotions are added to the mix and it is difficult to make a right judgement without letting those feelings dictate. I will be addressing the whole argument of ‘no sex before marriage’ in my next blog.
Marriage encompasses so much more than just a physical or even intellectual attraction. It is important to really get to know each other. What sort of questions should you be asking?
Does he/she … share the same values and moral code? value you? your family? act with integrity? make you feel guilty, or not good enough? enhance who you are or constantly trying to change you into someone else? ‘see’ you? put you first? ‘get’ you? make you laugh? make you into a better you? fill your heart with a new song?
Is he/she … loving, honest, kind, forgiving, generous, compassionate, mindful … or controlling and manipulative? Is his/her love dependent on you being perfect?
Do you … trust her/him with your life? find that you are a better person around them? bloom when you are with them?
Are you happy for this person to represent you and what you stand for? How will he/she react when angry or in a crisis? Is it ok? Is there malice in his/her tongue? How does he/she … deal with problems? behave when with your family? What is his/her understanding of parenting? of God and faith? Is it central to how they operate? If you were advising a friend on your relationship, what would you say to them?
Most of us nowadays come from fragmented families and few of us know what FAMILY is. Appearances aren’t truth. People only let us see what they want us to believe. My nephew was six and came to spend New Year’s eve with us. There was a bottle of champagne on the side that someone had given us as a gift. He took the bottle and took a selfie, now all his friends thought he was at an amazing party! Not just a boring old family get together. ‘The misconception of perception’ the difference between what we see and what is real. Few go into marriage knowing that it needs work, perseverance, time, adjustment and a willingness to change to become a good one. Nothing just happens.
When I was getting married, I had really no idea of what a marriage looked like apart from what I had assumed to be the truth from films I’d seen… ‘and they lived happily ever after’. The week before our wedding day we met our pastor for marriage counselling. He sat us down and told us how a marriage took work, how sometimes you really didn’t like each other but had to persevere through the tough times, having a willingness to change, it was a ‘labour’ of love. I sat there through the whole speech thinking ‘poor man, he obviously married the wrong woman’. I had no idea! We had never argued and was convinced we never would (was I in for a rude awakening!).
I wrote a poem for my husband on our anniversary, an excerpt of it reads:
‘ … no matter what, love conquers all … we discover that love is multifaceted and now includes something so much deeper than a feeling…. ingrained in the depths of our heart it becomes a tapestry, interwoven … two creating a whole, intricately intertwined, a part of one another …that share, love, know, grow as our hearts sing to the rhythm of a new song. The name of the harmony is called ‘the strength of love’ and in it we now find that in the polishing over the years the notes are made of threads of silver, that together spell: ‘Love, Never Fails.’
With time you realize that the love you had at first was not real love at all and it is through time and commitment that real love is developed.
My husband gave a speech at his brother’s wedding, he bought them an apple and a pear tree as a wedding present (which we all thought a bit weird) he then explained how marriage was about taking care of each other, like those fruit trees. How they would be affected by different weather conditions, have their ups and downs and how sometimes they may seem to produce no fruit and yet as you tend and take care of each other, work on it, you find that like those trees you will grow, flourish and produce fruit that will last. He also talked about the importance of communicating, to keep that openness of being able to express how you are feeling, to always be willing to forgive quickly and not hold on to things. Most people say that marriage is about ‘give and take’, but in truth it is just about giving. Giving with no expectation of return, ‘unconditional’ love.
Love is always a work under construction for we are always learning and always growing and it is so important that we are in a position to listen and be teachable for there is always room for improvement.
I really like a quote that Dale Partridge has on Instagram:
‘An older couple once told us to ‘practice the pause’. When in doubt, pause. When angry, pause. When tired, pause. When stressed, pause. When we learn to build-in a moment before immediate reaction, we often save the relationship most important to us from hurt’.
The Bible is all about love, about relationships, about real people and we see that thread of unconditional and sacrificial love that God has for His people run through from Genesis to Revelation. A Covenant love, just like marriage. “For God so loved the world…” (John 3:16).
So what Does God say that love is? Certainly no fuzzy feeling.
Love is …
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13
Love is hard work, (you really do reap what you sow) but if you are willing to put in the effort it can produce an amazing crop 😉